i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
