u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
