I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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