6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
