Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
