VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
