if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
