Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
