Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I checked into jail on foursquare
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
