Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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