im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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