I'll bet she douches with gravy.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
