there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
