I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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