Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
