We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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