i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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