My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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