is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
