why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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