Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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