I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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