Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
