i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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