dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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