I faked an abortion last night.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
