Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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