coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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