Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So vagazzling was a success
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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