I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize