She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
