So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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