So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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