Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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