I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
