When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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