If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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