Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
