i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Hippo gnu deer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
is it fun? or sober?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
