I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
