oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
