I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
