Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I can't turn off my feet"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
