I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
