im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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