I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
