in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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