Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
