my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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