I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
