Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
