The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
