I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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