She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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