I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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