i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
