Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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